Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Three nose bleeds today. *sigh* First while reading my Bible this morning. Second during ATS. Third during Life Group. I've had a bloody day.
I really need God. I'm feeling real broken. Still haven't relinquished control of everything to the Lord. Not really sure how, but I want to. It hurts too much not to. Please pray for me.
I really need God. I'm feeling real broken. Still haven't relinquished control of everything to the Lord. Not really sure how, but I want to. It hurts too much not to. Please pray for me.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Potential Breakthrough!
I got in bed this afternoon for a nap, set my alarm for 3:40, and thought, "Then I'll clean up my room." As the thought past through my mind, I had a mental cringe, as I am (thankfully) growing a disgust for the word then or later. I am sick of procrastinating. General pick-up and cleaning my room is just an example of my lack of discipline, as I know it's symbolic of much of my life, and I began to think that if I don't get a handle on this now, this is going to forever be something I'll deal with. I really don't want that stronghold. So, as I laid there in bed, I considered my options and decided to get up. I GOT OUT OF BED TO CLEAN MY ROOM WHEN I HAD THE OPTION OF NAPPING!!!! My spirit is rejoicing right now, as I sit in my tidied room, with dirty glasses out and cleaned, soda cans removed, and clothes and papers put in there proper places.
I purposely refrained from titling this entry "Breakthrough," as I won't know if this is really really truly breakthrough until this becomes a regular thing. So it has the potential of being breakthrough, hence the title. I pray that I will continue to say "no" to my whining flesh and say "yes" to God's Spirit within me. Too often Jesus' words "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" applies to me. I so want to be faithful in the little so that I might eventually be faithful in much. This comes so naturally for some, but is a mighty mountain for me. May God in me conquer it!!
I got in bed this afternoon for a nap, set my alarm for 3:40, and thought, "Then I'll clean up my room." As the thought past through my mind, I had a mental cringe, as I am (thankfully) growing a disgust for the word then or later. I am sick of procrastinating. General pick-up and cleaning my room is just an example of my lack of discipline, as I know it's symbolic of much of my life, and I began to think that if I don't get a handle on this now, this is going to forever be something I'll deal with. I really don't want that stronghold. So, as I laid there in bed, I considered my options and decided to get up. I GOT OUT OF BED TO CLEAN MY ROOM WHEN I HAD THE OPTION OF NAPPING!!!! My spirit is rejoicing right now, as I sit in my tidied room, with dirty glasses out and cleaned, soda cans removed, and clothes and papers put in there proper places.
I purposely refrained from titling this entry "Breakthrough," as I won't know if this is really really truly breakthrough until this becomes a regular thing. So it has the potential of being breakthrough, hence the title. I pray that I will continue to say "no" to my whining flesh and say "yes" to God's Spirit within me. Too often Jesus' words "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" applies to me. I so want to be faithful in the little so that I might eventually be faithful in much. This comes so naturally for some, but is a mighty mountain for me. May God in me conquer it!!
Friday, January 16, 2004
Jesus Reigns!!
This weekend is intern training for leading college life groups at ACC, and because RH and I are interning two people in our LG, we attend the training as well. LD was there as well, and was my ride home. Just as we were about to turn a corner and go into our driveway, we saw a woman walking down the street, with her jacket over her head as a protection from the rain (it has rained almost non-stop since I left for ATS at 8:15 this morning). We were stopped, and Lauren rolled my window down to talk to the woman. Lauren asked her where she was headed and offered a ride. The woman, I'll call Dee, accepted and stepped into the back seat of L's car. She wreaked of an unfamiliar smell to me (which I guessed must have been marijuana or other drug) and the smell filled the car. Dee told L the general area of her home and we began to head that direction. Dee asked if we were Jehovah's Witnesses, and we said we weren't, but that we were followers of Jesus. As L drove, she asked Dee if she knew Jesus, and she responded "Yes.....He is the Son of God," and then L asked her if we could pray for her. Dee began to cry some as she said "Yes" and when L asked what she would like prayer for, she began to weep just about uncontrollably and said "Deliverance."
L pulled over to the side of the street. In part because of her crying, I didn't hear much else of what she said. But I do remember hearing a few things before and after we prayed, such as "I don't want this, I'm so sad, I'm so sad. This isn't me, I'm not myself, this isn't me." After praying for her and talking with her about ten minutes, we went the rest of the way to the house, and as she stepped out of the car L asked her if she had a Bible and I think she said that she did and that she was a Jehovah's Witness and had been brought up in the "truth." Oh Jesus, let her know You and know Truth! Set her free, Father God. Give her the deliverance she's longing for. Dee has definite strongholds, but I really don't know much about deliverance, and I don't know if there's anything "controlling" her other than drugs. I need wisdom.
L and I prayed more as we drove back home and continued as we sat in the parked car. We went into the house, discussing what had happened, and then one of my tairs. I asked her how she was, and the combination of the look on her face the hesitance in her voice told me she clearly was not up to par. She had spent the evening with a friend who has been dealing with all kinds of things and Bhadbecome quite weighted down by even being with her. Goodness, too many details to go through. Anyway (trying to make this somewhat brief--I need sleep), we caught B up to what had happened with Dee, and then B shared a little more and soon began to weep. Actually, Pukey...yes, you....I need to sleep...I'll finish this tomorrow (hopefully)
love you night night
This weekend is intern training for leading college life groups at ACC, and because RH and I are interning two people in our LG, we attend the training as well. LD was there as well, and was my ride home. Just as we were about to turn a corner and go into our driveway, we saw a woman walking down the street, with her jacket over her head as a protection from the rain (it has rained almost non-stop since I left for ATS at 8:15 this morning). We were stopped, and Lauren rolled my window down to talk to the woman. Lauren asked her where she was headed and offered a ride. The woman, I'll call Dee, accepted and stepped into the back seat of L's car. She wreaked of an unfamiliar smell to me (which I guessed must have been marijuana or other drug) and the smell filled the car. Dee told L the general area of her home and we began to head that direction. Dee asked if we were Jehovah's Witnesses, and we said we weren't, but that we were followers of Jesus. As L drove, she asked Dee if she knew Jesus, and she responded "Yes.....He is the Son of God," and then L asked her if we could pray for her. Dee began to cry some as she said "Yes" and when L asked what she would like prayer for, she began to weep just about uncontrollably and said "Deliverance."
L pulled over to the side of the street. In part because of her crying, I didn't hear much else of what she said. But I do remember hearing a few things before and after we prayed, such as "I don't want this, I'm so sad, I'm so sad. This isn't me, I'm not myself, this isn't me." After praying for her and talking with her about ten minutes, we went the rest of the way to the house, and as she stepped out of the car L asked her if she had a Bible and I think she said that she did and that she was a Jehovah's Witness and had been brought up in the "truth." Oh Jesus, let her know You and know Truth! Set her free, Father God. Give her the deliverance she's longing for. Dee has definite strongholds, but I really don't know much about deliverance, and I don't know if there's anything "controlling" her other than drugs. I need wisdom.
L and I prayed more as we drove back home and continued as we sat in the parked car. We went into the house, discussing what had happened, and then one of my tairs. I asked her how she was, and the combination of the look on her face the hesitance in her voice told me she clearly was not up to par. She had spent the evening with a friend who has been dealing with all kinds of things and Bhadbecome quite weighted down by even being with her. Goodness, too many details to go through. Anyway (trying to make this somewhat brief--I need sleep), we caught B up to what had happened with Dee, and then B shared a little more and soon began to weep. Actually, Pukey...yes, you....I need to sleep...I'll finish this tomorrow (hopefully)
love you night night
Monday, January 12, 2004
God's getting at a lot in me. Pride. Selfishness. Self-consummation. Lack of trust. Indifference. Praise God that "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." He has quite a task before Him. But if He's willing to start digging this stuff up, I'm going to trust He'll have His way with it. That excites me. I'm ready to uproot some of this junk. God is good.
Friday, January 09, 2004
Better day today. I miss my friend, but God is good. He is enough.
Thursday, January 08, 2004
God is good
I got to go out to dinner w/my brother-in-law tonight and his family. My left overs will probably carry me over until I have dinner with them again on Saturday night. Good food. We went to Marie Calendar's. I ordered chicken and broccoli fettucini. Mmm mmm. I'm not sure I ate a third of it! Okay...they brought out corn bread at the very beginning. Then they bring me a medium-sized Caesar salad (it was bigger than usual!). Then comes this huge pasta with two slices of garlic bread, and my tummy's already satisfied! Craziness. And I didn't even have lunch today, so you'd think I would have been able to eat more. *sigh* I don't know.
Still having a hard time today. I really believe God's wanting to get me to a deep brokenness, and I do want to get there, but I have what I'm calling a "strong man mentality," and that's the problem. I've generally tended to be the "strong one" among friends, or just someone that people and general can come to and "unload." So, probably as a matter of pride, I'm struggling with being broken. But, see, I want this brokenness, I just don't know how to get there because I've built up so much junk to keep me from getting there. God, of course, will be faithful in bringing the brokenness, I just think I might be holding on to stuff that is getting in the way of it. But I suppose (duh) that if God will be faithful to bring the brokenness, He'll be faithful in bringing me to it.
God is good.
I got to go out to dinner w/my brother-in-law tonight and his family. My left overs will probably carry me over until I have dinner with them again on Saturday night. Good food. We went to Marie Calendar's. I ordered chicken and broccoli fettucini. Mmm mmm. I'm not sure I ate a third of it! Okay...they brought out corn bread at the very beginning. Then they bring me a medium-sized Caesar salad (it was bigger than usual!). Then comes this huge pasta with two slices of garlic bread, and my tummy's already satisfied! Craziness. And I didn't even have lunch today, so you'd think I would have been able to eat more. *sigh* I don't know.
Still having a hard time today. I really believe God's wanting to get me to a deep brokenness, and I do want to get there, but I have what I'm calling a "strong man mentality," and that's the problem. I've generally tended to be the "strong one" among friends, or just someone that people and general can come to and "unload." So, probably as a matter of pride, I'm struggling with being broken. But, see, I want this brokenness, I just don't know how to get there because I've built up so much junk to keep me from getting there. God, of course, will be faithful in bringing the brokenness, I just think I might be holding on to stuff that is getting in the way of it. But I suppose (duh) that if God will be faithful to bring the brokenness, He'll be faithful in bringing me to it.
God is good.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Back in Waco
I'm ready for March. I need grace. I need strength to press in. I believe wholeheartedly that God has great things planned for the next two months, if only I am willing to accept them.
I'm so tempted to mope. And I realize that's neither necessary nor helpful. Through all this, I'm realizing more and more how self-focused I've become, and--in a minor way--this selfishness is laid bare through all my "I" sentences.
40-minute intermission
BS just came over to leave some purple tulips on VS's bed while she's away. Good move on the b-friend's part! We had a really good time talking. He said he was thinking of me earlier today, and he said the words "fellowship" and "suffering" came to mind and that he felt the Lord say that I am in a good season right now, that great fruit will come from it. God, help me to understand Your sovereignty! BS has known nothing of my "situation" until tonight, yet God used that, in a sense, to bless me even more than if he had known. I believe there is a mountain of pride in me that needs to be leveled out; but first, before it can be leveled, it must become a valley. I've always tended to be the "strong one," so it takes a greater humility than I possess to be broken and bare before all.
Help me to trust You, Jesus. I want to trust You, but I'm not sure I know how. Lead me, Father God, in Your good and perfect will. Allow me to hold nothing back. I want to give you my all. My breath. My life. I am Yours. Break me and mold me, I pray.
I'm ready for March. I need grace. I need strength to press in. I believe wholeheartedly that God has great things planned for the next two months, if only I am willing to accept them.
I'm so tempted to mope. And I realize that's neither necessary nor helpful. Through all this, I'm realizing more and more how self-focused I've become, and--in a minor way--this selfishness is laid bare through all my "I" sentences.
40-minute intermission
BS just came over to leave some purple tulips on VS's bed while she's away. Good move on the b-friend's part! We had a really good time talking. He said he was thinking of me earlier today, and he said the words "fellowship" and "suffering" came to mind and that he felt the Lord say that I am in a good season right now, that great fruit will come from it. God, help me to understand Your sovereignty! BS has known nothing of my "situation" until tonight, yet God used that, in a sense, to bless me even more than if he had known. I believe there is a mountain of pride in me that needs to be leveled out; but first, before it can be leveled, it must become a valley. I've always tended to be the "strong one," so it takes a greater humility than I possess to be broken and bare before all.
Help me to trust You, Jesus. I want to trust You, but I'm not sure I know how. Lead me, Father God, in Your good and perfect will. Allow me to hold nothing back. I want to give you my all. My breath. My life. I am Yours. Break me and mold me, I pray.
